Emma's Diary

Jason sprawled on the living room couch, staring at the ceiling through half-closed eyes. Every now and then he would glance wearily at the clock on the wall, then at the textbook lying open on the coffee table. He had history homework due that Monday, but he could barely bring himself to care.

A week had passed since the incident, and he still found himself lacking in sufficient motivation to do much more than eat, sleep, and make an appearance in his classes.

A knock at the door broke through his lethargic stupor, almost making him jump.

Grimacing, Jason got up from the couch and answered it. At the sight of his visitor, a somber-looking boy two years his junior, he sighed. "I'm not in the mood for this, Tyler," he told him, his voice hoarse from lack of use.

Tyler glared back at him, clutching a small book he had tucked under his arm. "Tough," he retorted. "You need to see this. She'll be pissed I'm showing you these, but you have to know somehow."

With another sigh of displeasure, Jason stepped aside to let the younger boy in. Tyler brushed past him and stood by the couch, waiting impatiently until Jason had closed the door and joined him. Opening the book to a specific page, Tyler brusquely thrust it into his friend's hands.

"Read it. Just start right at the top of the page and read it to the end."

Resigned, Jason sat down and obeyed.

***

Monday, January 4.

I'm tired.

This was the Monday we all got back to school after winter break. Surprisingly, some of us were actually happy to be back, but most of us weren't. As for me, I fell asleep a couple of times in English class again. I hope I didn't miss anything important.

I found out something interesting, though. Jason has a girlfriend now! Finally! At least people won't think we're dating anymore. It's so annoying. I mean, why can't a guy and a girl be friends without everyone thinking they're an item? It drives me insane; even our friends make that mistake sometimes!

Anyway, I gave J a little congratulatory hug, and gave his new girlfriend Amy a thumbs-up. Though, I could have sworn I saw her looking at me funny when I hugged him. It's probably nothing, though; maybe I'll have a new friend now.

Emma.

Friday, January 8.

Something… really weird happened today. I swear to God this hasn't happened since elementary school. I thought I'd stop having this problem in high school, but I guess I was wrong. Amy actually came up to me and warned me off. I should've listened to that gut feeling I had when I first met her.

Anyway, she was just spewing a lot of nasty stuff about how, in case I hadn't noticed, J has a girlfriend now and I should be respectful and all that. I tried telling her, like I told everybody, that we're just friends, I'm not interested in him that way, and I'm not the kind of girl who tries to steal somebody else's boyfriend. Surprise, surprise, she didn't believe me.

Even worse, when I tried to talk to J about it, she appeared right the hell out of nowhere and dragged him off. Like I said, I haven't had this kind of problem since elementary school, and now I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do about it.

Emma.

Monday, January 11.

Okay, now I'm getting scared.

The problem that started last Friday has just gotten a couple levels worse. I'm pretty sure I'm not being paranoid when I say that J's purposely avoiding me. Seriously, he won't even look at me when I wave to him in the hallways, and he hardly talks to me unless I ask him something. Even then, he just mumbles at me, sometimes too quickly or too quietly for me to tell what he's saying.

I decided I needed a boy opinion on this, and I ran into Tyler at lunch to tell him about my problem. Of course, him being Tyler, he looked at me long and hard and asked me, in a serious voice, "Are you quite sure you don't just want to go out with him?"

Little brothers.

When I was finished chasing him halfway across the courtyard, he finally suggested I just talk to J about it when I catch him at a good moment, as long as Amy isn't there. It should work, right? After all, J and I have been friends since the fourth grade. It has to work.

Emma.

Friday, January 22.

Amy was absent today, so it seemed like as good a time as any to talk to J. It was harder than I thought it would be; he was still avoiding me, but at lunch I managed to convince him to stop for just a couple seconds and listen to me. I told him about what Amy had said to me last Friday, and asked him, with all the politeness I could put into a question like this, whether Amy was telling him to keep away from me. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he defended her, but it was more how he did it than the fact that he did that got to me.

The first thing he told me was the reason he'd been avoiding me: he wanted to quote-unquote "avoid being tempted". I asked him if that was what he wanted or what Amy told him to do.

I realize now that I could have worded that better.

Honestly, I can't remember the last time J and I argued. He basically said the same thing Amy had told me: he has a girlfriend now, and he doesn't want to be involved with other girls, because it might result in this and that. It pissed me off a lot, and I kind of lost my temper at him.

I told him, "Why are you worried about this? We've spent the past two years, since we were freshman, getting annoyed whenever people think we're dating!" That's when I made a really bad mistake: I pointed the finger at Amy. I accused her of being jealous, and what J said to me next keeps playing itself over and over again in my head.

"She's jealous? It sounds like the only one who's jealous around here is you! Look, if you can't accept that I have a girlfriend, then maybe we shouldn't be friends anymore!"

That stung. Part of me could barely believe this was coming from my best friend. I couldn't think of anything else to say besides, "Why are you being so retarded?!"

"Emma, Amy's my girlfriend now, and if you're just gonna keep whining about it, then just leave me the hell alone!"

I had to walk away fast so he wouldn't see me crying.

It's gonna get a lot worse, isn't it?

Tuesday, January 26.

Well, I was right. It's been a few days, and things have hit rock bottom. Jason won't even look at me, much less talk to me. Every time I walk into wherever he is, he makes a point of leaving. We don't have any classes together, so it's not like anyone can force him to be near me, anyway.

I found Amy putting on makeup in the bathroom during break. No one was there, so I went up to her. Maybe I was looking for her on purpose; I don't even know anymore.

"Amy," I told her "I just thought you should know that J's stopped talking to me, and he's doing everything he can to avoid me. So, you win. I hope you're proud."

"I am."

Her triumph was irritating, and I let my tone tell her that. "Whatever. Just watch yourself, Amy. Jason may be pissed at me or just avoiding me or whatever, but I'm still his friend. I hate it when people think they can treat my friends however the hell they want to. I really hate it."

I left before I could lose my temper again and say something I'd regret. Maybe I'll just punch a few pillows when I finish writing.

Emma.

Monday, February 29.

I've been distracted lately, so I haven't been writing as often. It's been almost two months, and Amy and Jason broke up this afternoon. When I first heard about it, I admit I was a little… well, maybe not happy, but at the very least I felt hopeful.
Then I found out why. Apparently she was sleeping around, and he found out. After seeing the look on his face, I kind of lost it.

I confronted Amy about it. I don't really want to dwell on what I said to her; like I said, I lost my temper, and I probably shouldn't have. Suffice to say, she bad-mouthed Jason to my face, and I punched her in the stomach for it.

I'm really, really lucky campus security wasn't there to see it. Felt good, though.

I tried talking to Jason again later. I thought it would be good to let him know that even though I was mad about the whole thing, it didn't mean I wasn't his friend anymore, and I was still there for him. In hindsight I guess I should have waited a while longer. He lashed out at me again, like he did a couple months ago, acted like I was saying "I told you so", and ended his rant session with "Go to hell". I thought he was acting like a total moron, and I almost decided to screw the loyalty thing and find a new best friend.

But I think I understand, now that I look back on it, that people who are hurt tend to say hurtful things. I can't blame him; I've done it before.

It still hurts. I know he needs a best friend right now, and I want to help him, but he doesn't want my help. I hate being taken for granted, and I hate that he held a snotty whore like Amy over me, the one who actually gives a crap about him. But I don't hate him, so I'm not going to give up just because he made a stupid mistake. I'll just wait until he isn't too depressed to see that I'm still his friend, and I always will be.

Emma.

***

Jason read the last sentence several times without realizing it. His hands were shaking slightly, and his eyes were wide, as though he was doing all he could to keep from crying. Next to him, Tyler sat on the couch, his chin resting on his palm, waiting for the older boy to finish.

Slowly, Jason closed the book and set it down in his lap, sitting back as he did so. A few moments passed before he composed himself enough to speak.

"D-did…did they find the driver who… you know?"

"Yeah," Tyler replied dully, as though it didn't matter. "He was drunk when it happened. They found him a half hour later with his car wrapped around a tree. He's in the hospital with a severe concussion. And a charge for manslaughter."

There was a moment of silence. Abruptly, the book landed on the floor with a dull thud as Jason stood up, swore loudly, and viciously kicked the couch. "I'm such an idiot!" he shouted, frustration clear on his face. "How could I have been so stupid?"

Tyler stared at him reproachfully. "Yeah, J. How could you? Emma never stopped being your friend, and she sure as hell didn't deserve to be treated like that."

"Damn it, I know!" Jason retorted angrily. "I know!" Jason sat down hard on the couch, covering his face. Then, as though he was suddenly tired, he sat back again and wiped his eyes. "Tyler…" The anger was giving way. There was a slight hitch in his voice when he spoke again. "Tyler… did you have to show me those? Why couldn't you just tell me how she felt?"

Tyler hid his own tears by bending over to pick up the dropped diary. He stared dejectedly at the cover. "I told you. I couldn't tell you how she felt. Only she could."